May 12

As I sat outside this AM surrounded by nature's beauty and a 'faint, cool breeze' I became a little sad watching Chief walk around the yard. When given the opportunity to be in the large fenced in area he spends his time eating grass and on few occasions will run. He never wishes to be far from me, more and more staying at my side or in very close proximity. As I thought about all that has happened over the past several years I realized that I am in a bit of a 'numb' stage in terms of Chief's condition and what he needs from me in order to have a good quality of life. It is quite daunting. In the midst of these thoughts I began to think of the many people in the world who experience what I am going through, but with their own 'children'. As a counselor for many years I accompany people in pain as much as is possible without actually experiencing 'their pain'. Of course having lived for 60 years I too have had my share of 'necessary pain and sorrow'. I say 'necessary' because without experiencing pain and sorrow, one never fully understands and appreciates oneself and others.While 'being with Chief' I thought of the many parents who are confronted by situations in which a change occurs within their child physically, psychologically or both. A change that forever alters the 'lives of all members of the family'. One minute you are elated and happy holding your baby or toddler and then what seems to be a 'very short period of time' you discover that your child is not developing physically and/or cognitively as she/he should be, or parents experience devastation and grief when learning that their child has a disease that is not easily treated such as child or juvenile diabetes or cancer. And as one tries to figure out, 'why', why does the child or in my case dog need to go through all of this and, 'why' do I have to. When is enough, enough? Having not so long ago finished caring for five dogs throughout their sickness and dying processes it seems preposterous that I am once again needing to give a lot of attention and care to the dog, Chief. As I walked Chief on leash at a slow pace within the large enclosure it became more clear to me. What did? Why Chief's life is unfolding as it is and consequently why mine is the way it is at this time. What came to me as I walked with him today was that Chief is a gift. A Gift from God. A gift from a giver who presumed that I will accept the Gift. I am the one who has been 'chosen' to be for Chief in whatever ways I can be in order to ensure that his life is as 'good as it can be'. While this realization to others might seem 'mundane' and 'matter of fact' it was not and is not to me. It is something I realized today that I have to be able to say, 'yes' to ; to commit to each and every day. Is it and will it ever be 'easy'? No, however, choosing to do this and motivated by the fact that I love, respect and admire Chief will get me through the tough times. The other huge piece to being able to 'accept gracefully what has been given to me as 'gift' from the giver of all gifts, that is 'God' is my love for him/her.  I suspect that I am often the receiver of these types of 'gifts' in order to enable me to be an empathic and resourceful counselor to those who seek my help. As I go forward on my 'adventure' with Chief, Susie, Breezette, Cassandra, Margaret and of course my dearest and beloved husband, Leo I will have much desire and need to meditate on these current thoughts more.